ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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