A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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