Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Life is so much better after having sex.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
