at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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