thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
