my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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