I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
