It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
