Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
