wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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