Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
