My liver just broke up with me...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
