I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
