He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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