I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
