somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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