do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
