In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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