It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
