She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Actions speak louder than pants.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
