at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
