running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
