I wish I only lived at night.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
