hell yes lets make some ravioli
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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