Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Less talking, more tequila
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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