i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
