Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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