Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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