I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
