I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
