I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
