Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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