I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
