you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
how drunk are you?
Several
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
