You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
