4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize