why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
