I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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