How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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