Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you traded sex for a burrito?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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