someone threw a dead crab at me
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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