I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
i need some magic done to my vagina
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
