I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
