he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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