If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
