ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
