i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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