The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
