omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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