I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
