My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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