I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
