apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
