my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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